My dad apparently showed up in Dublin at 2:30 a.m. to check to see if my mom was having an affair. No joke, the man literally (not figuratively) drove from Boston to Ohio to try and catch my mom cheating. No luck, sorry, pops.
Anyway, he called me on Saturday expecting me to drop everything to hang out with him. Nope didn’t happen, sorry pops. Anyway, on Sunday, I decided after what seemed like an interminable conversation on the phone, decided to meet him for breakfast.
When I got to SunnyStreet Cafe (or whatever it’s called), I hear, “Chao!” It was John, twin brother of one my my ex-boyfriends, Tony. I look over and their family and Franni (Tony’s fiancee) were eating outside.
I went in and told my parents that I would be right back and I went out to say, “Hello.” All of a sudden I hear,
"Ah, hello. What twin are you?" My parents were standing RIGHT BEHIND ME. So of course they stood there and said hi to Tony, John, Franni, and family. I felt a bit bad for Franni…I mean, she hates me, so I shouldn’t…but it had to be SUPER awkward.
When my family got back to our table, I scolded them for following me.
Me: Why the heck would you go say hi?
Dad: I like Tony.
Me: You didn’t know which one he was.
Mom: But they look so much alike [J and T]
Me: Yes, they are twins. Anyway, you shouldn’t have one. Poor Franni must have felt so awkward. PLUS, dad, you really have to shower in the mornings, your hair is everywhere and you look terrible.
[Dad smiles sheepishly]
Mom: It’s true, he does look terrible. Always.
Dad (in Chinese): Yeah, I can see how it would be bad for Franni. [Now in English] We didn’t know Tony was engaged and besides, she looked like she could be his aunt!
Me: I TOLD YOU. And…well, that’s mean. She doesn’t like me, so I don’t really care.
Waitress: May I take your drink order?
Mom: I what I want. But I don’t know about her (pointing to me). But let me order now. What is a BLT?
Waitress: Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato
Mom: No cheese
Dad: Is there chicken or beef?
Waitress: It’s just bacon, lettuce, and tomato.
Dad: So no chicken?
Waitress: No, just bacon (fake smile while gritting her teeth)
Mom: No cheese.
I ordered and the waitress left. If that wasn’t awkward…be prepared to read more.
Me: So, based on your last phone call…are you finally getting divorced?
Dad: Your mom and I are negotiating a deal.
Me: Here goes..
Dad: I just want to buy a house in Boston. Your mom will not let me take out the money or a home equity loan.
Mom: $210,000 for a home equity loan is ridiculous. We paid off both mortgages.
Dad: Let me talk
Dad: Anyway, I want to buy a house. So we decided my money will be mine and hers will be hers.
Dad: But I will pay for the property tax (not taxes) on both house (not houses) and I will pay your mother $400 a month so she cannot date and to stay in the marriage.
Mom: Is it a good deal?
Mom: You wouldn’t take it?
Dad: Of course not, she’s Caroline
Me: Of course I wouldn’t take it. What are you thinking mom? Just get a divorce.
Mom: Yes, but if I stay with your father, then he will pay the property tax, health insurance, and I make some money. I still cannot decide. Everyone makes fun of me because my marriage is like a contract. Your dad does not allow me to have any freedom and always shouting.
Me: Then leave.
Dad: Well, I only do this temporary. Once I save enough money for a down payment, then we can separate half and half.
Mom: My half should be bigger.
Dad: Shut up, Cindy. I need to tell Caroline MY side of the story.
So they go on and on about money, etc. I tell them the whole thing is stupid.
Me: Well, mom will probably do it.
Mom: Why I do it?
Me: You love money first. In fact, the order of your affection goes in the following: 1. Money, 2. Vicky, 3. houses, 4. Shop, 5. by default me.
Dad: I am probably 10
Me: At least your in the top ten. Wait… 1. Money, 2. Vicky, 3. Dance, 4. properties, 5. shop, then me at 6.
Dad: I like your humor, Caroline.
So they continue to argue through breakfast and then the MOST AWKWARD PART:
Mom: You know what. If I take this deal, you know what your dad said to me?
Me: I don’t want to know.
Mom: That I can maybe have sex once a year. [Now being sarcastic, which is kind of funny as I want to die from hearing this]. Don’t you think this is a good deal? Once I year I can maybe have sex?
Me: GROSS. Stop talking. I’m done eating.
And there you have it folks, yet another awkward breakfast with the Chaos. I really should sell the rights to my family to a TV show.